my boy and his sugar coated cookies

last week cayden made from-scratch chocolate chip cookies.  i only helped a little.  he baked batch after batch by himself even pulling them out of the oven on his own.  he was super proud and has asked me nearly every day since then if he can make more cookies.

how were they sugar coated?  well, they weren't really.  i was being facetious.  for good reason too. 

you see,  i believe that if some of you are right and i was actually put on this earth for a reason, it was so that i could be cayden's mom.

i wonder if anyone will be surprised at this.   mostly because i don't share a lot about the unique relationship i have with cayden.  mostly because i don't feel like i can.

my boy has a story but for some reason, i don't feel like it's mine to tell. 

cayden is unique.  he challenges me more than any other person i've ever met in my life and i am determined not to let him down.  i am determined to rise to these challenges and persevere so that one day, he'll look back and be able to not only see but feel how much i love him.

there are many, many stories i could share about cayden but i struggle with whether or not i should give the sugar coated version or, the real version.  the sugar coated version will surely be the version cayden will want to read about when he's older.  the real version might not be so i stop there.  i stop with the should i? and then, i don't write at all.  it's unfortunate.  it's unfortunate for me, for him and for you, the ones who don't get to hear about this amazing child who pushes every button i have and some.

like the cookies.  he made these cookies by himself.  he was proud, i was proud and then ..... and then gosh darn it, don't you know those are his cookies.  he wanted to be the "boss" of those cookies.  tell everyone how many they could have, when they could have them etc. 

so we have to sit together and discuss the practice of giving and sharing.  remind him that it feels good to be kind and generous and when you feel good about yourself, you're happy.  

this is cayden's greatest challenge; being happy with himself.

he's a very bright boy but, he's very hard on himself.  he worries endlessly about things most people don't think twice about.  

for example, he loves (and i mean LOVES) his teacher this year.  but, he is filled with worry that she lives alone, is not married and doesn't have kids.  he's very concerned that she's lonely.  my 7 year worries about his 40 year old teacher and wonders what her evenings must be like with no one to go home to.  

his teacher is just as interested in his well being.  i am amazed at this woman and her very apparent passion for teaching children.  she is a very special woman and exactly the kind of teacher cayden needs.  she has contacted me several times.  she believes cayden is "very gifted" and, has urged me to have him tested this winter.   

considering cayden made me a mom, i really had no one to compare him to.  i know cayden is bright and highly emotional.  i know he does well in school but when she did testing on her own and sent home the results i was stunned. it reported that he was reading on a 6th grade level. then she called me again and asked me to meet with her.  so i went one day after school and we sat there for two hours while i listened to her go on and on about him, how wonderful he is and all he's doing in her class.  she explained that really, he's not reading on a 6th grade level because he doesn't have the vocabulary or ability to comprehend 6th grade topics but then she says, "he's definitely reading at a 4th or 5th grade level though ..."  okay.   i was so proud of him.  my boy.

seriously.  i wanted to cry because sometimes, i feel like i'm talking to a brick wall.  sometimes, when i'm all alone, i do cry.  he has his ideas and his ways.  when mine don't make sense to him and when i'm unable to help him understand, he's nearly impossible.  we spend a lot of time talking.  not that this is a bad thing but, it's usually the same things over and over again.  one thing we talk a lot about is how he treats other kids.  at times, he unintentionally makes people feel dumb and when i see it or hear it, we sit down and i try to tell him that he could be a means for helping his friends and siblings better understand if only he were to kindly correct them. 

turns out, he's been hearing me.  his teacher says he is an amazing help to his peers. so much so that she worries about him not being challenged enough.  at the beginning of the year, i'd written her a little note filling her in on a few things i felt she should be aware of.  she said "if you hadn't done that, i would have never guessed but because you did that, i was able to clearly see what kind of teacher cayden needs me to be."  how neat is she?!  she really tried to assure me that "gifted" children have certain tenancies ... nothing to go into here but, knowing whether he fits into this "category" (quoted because i'm not a fan of labeling), might really help how we approach raising him.  that is my only concern.  i don't care if he's gifted or suffering from a learning disability.  i only care about creating an environment that he'll thrive in and be able to grow into his best self.

so i signed him up for testing.  

maybe i'll be able to say "he's a pain in you-know-what because he's gifted ... " laugh out loud people.  i'm not serious.  not completely.  i do like having something to blame everything on though.  something besides my horrific parenting skiills.

he has anxiety about it.  (the testing).

go figure.

so i question the decision.  

then, one night after he throws the biggest temper tantrum i've ever seen a human being throw, i take him out for a walk.   we're walking along, the conversation was lovely (he's very charming, especially one on one) and he says, "oh look, a __________ green tree." (i can't remember what he called it)

i say, "it is?  how do you know that?"

he walks up closer, examines it and says, "i read a book about trees.  yep, it's a ________ green tree.  see here, and there blah blah blah..." he went on and on.  i don't have any idea if he knew what he was talking about but it doesn't matter.  what was amazing was how dang interested he was in that tree and how much he wanted to teach me about it.  i guess it's time i get more excited about trees.

and then there was that day last week when we were driving in the car, listening to a mix the husband had made.  i challenged the kids "let's see who can guess what each instrument is."  so i start "that's the banjo."  and then, "the flute" ... cayden says, "no mom, that's not the flute, it's the clarinet."  

he taught me that female cows are called cows and male cows are called bulls.  i am not embarrassed to admit that i seriously didn't know this!  i had never thought twice about it.  cows were cows and bulls were bulls.  i know, i know, terrible of me.  i'm just glad he's already smarter than i am.  there is hope!

then, we found the salamander in the window well today.  i screamed "cayden!!" when i saw it and dropped to my knees.  the horror!  a grown woman, a mom, begging her seven year old to save her from the creature in the window.  "WHAT ISSSSS ITTTT!!!!?  ... very calmly he walks to the window and says "it's a salamander mom."  and since i've already totally embarrassed myself, i'll admit that i had no idea what a salamander looked like.  as far as i was concerned, it was a type of fish.  

again, i say "how do you know that?"  

"i have a book about amphibians.  salamanders like warm climates and they eat worms.  it will probably die from the cold."

my boy.  

i'll sugar coat his cookies for as long as i have to.  for as long as it takes for him to see that his cookies are perfect, just the way they are.