when the center shifts

"i think we dream so we don't have to be apart for so long.  if we're in each other's dreams, we can be together all the time."

- pooh

grandma passed away just a few hours after my last post.  the experience of the week that followed was surreal to say the least and i'm still reeling from it but, we made it through, somehow.  while most everything is the same, everything also feels different.  the center has shifted.  our world is now one without her physical presence and that seems impossible but, i was there, i witnessed my impossible.

thursday's were our day.  not always but, often during the years that i worked near her home and even more frequently the last year or so as mom was caring for grandma regularly.  today, gavin and i won't go to grandma's for lunch.  he said, "that's a bummer."  it is.

it's not my intention to be a bummer.  really, i am fully aware of how wonderfully long my grandmother's life was.  how lucky i was to have a grandmother such as her.  i know she is resting peacefully.  to have witnessed her health decline to a point when she could no longer enjoy a grilled cheese sandwich with my baby was heartbreaking.  to watch her become so angry and frustrated over her inability to do literally anything on her own was horrible.  but even through all of her difficulties, she fought to the bitter end.  she did not have anywhere else that she wanted to be and as selfish as it may sound, through all of her suffering, i'm so glad that she put up that fight.

presently, i feel like i could talk about grandma for hours to whoever will listen.  maybe i'm afraid of forgetting or not feeling so sad.  afraid of moving onward even though i know it is what happens next.  we will keep going as did she when she lost loved ones throughout the course of her life.  in small moments, the thought of onward makes me feel guilty because a cherished life shouldn't be something we can get over once it's gone.  then that small moment passes and i'm reminded, simply by looking at the ring on my finger, that she will never be gone from me.  i will never get over her.

every day i will strive to be more like my grandma.  to be loving, kind and grateful. to always remember to laugh and to make a life for myself and my family that focuses on what we have rather than what we do not.  to take pleasure in the beauty and peacefulness of nature. and of course, i will enjoy some chocolate (hopefully moderately).

~ xoxo ~