i promised myself

"...to look at the sunny side of everything and make my optimism come true ..."

as i pulled gavin from his crib this morning he offered me a tickle of his blanket then pointed to the cast of sunshine on his wall and asked "what's that?"

{from his window}

i do believe i'm in love with the sun.  i loved to be able to teach him the word "sunshine" and see that it made him happy too.

today i have a story to tell.

sometime between now and this time last year i decided to stop being so pissed off at the world.  it made me feel sad and isolated and i was tired. so every day i made a conscious effort to dig deep and throw out my negative feelings over how unfair things can be and how hard things are.  i focused on recognizing the moments when i was drowning in self pity because of our circumstances and chose to find other ways to make use of my time.  i read a lot and ran a lot and thought a lot. 

switching from being one who works for money to one who works for, well, no money, seems simple enough.  but for me, it was not. 

i was unsatisfied and lonely and i needed to fix it. 

after a lot of contemplation i realized that working brought out some of my strongest qualities.  i was super organized, efficient and never one to leave the office without a fresh list of goals for the next day, week, month and year.  my performance was strongest when i was under pressure and i thrived in this environment. 

once i really quit working, i felt like there was zero significance to everything i did.  running the house and taking care of the kids was not new work, it was the same work i'd been doing before but now with more time to do it.  or so i thought. 

very quickly i found it was a lot harder than i thought it would be and a lot more mind numbing too.  how much thought does one have to put into cutting up an eggo or starting the washing machine?  yet somehow, these very tasks became extremely draining. 

so i thought some more and i decided i could do this well too.  i just needed to have a plan and a fresh list of goals for the next day, week, month and year.  i needed to create the pressure that would help me to thrive and feel satisfied at the end of the day.

my goals were personal and selfish.  they involved educating myself about nutrition and exercise.  i began to actively participate in the online forums on myfooddiary.com and by chance, i met some amazing women who i would never hesitate to now refer to as "my friends" although i'll probably never have the chance to meet them in person.  we set goals together and cheered one another on.  we discussed our challenges and shared ideas for over coming them.  these women have quite literally changed my life and i realize this is a bit melodramatic but i'm very serious. these women helped me to see the importance of keeping a positive attitude and taking care of your mind and your body.

after i announced to my new friends that i wanted to attempt to run a marathon this year not one of them came back at me with anything but positive affirmations and support.  my plan was to start training even though i didn't know how i would come up with the money to pay the registration fees.  there was no way i could justify the expense when the kids had needs of their own.  wrestling.  baseball. dance.  food.

then on one saturday afternoon i received an email notifying me that i had a "pending e-check" from paypal.  one of my sweet friends wanted to be a part of something that was important to me and she offered her own hard earned money asking if she could be a "supporter" of my marathon dream (or nightmare, i'm still not totally sure what to call it).

honestly, i was at a loss for words.  of course i had never anticipated being on the receiving end of such a gesture and i wasn't sure how i was supposed to react or feel.   somehow, knowing who it came from made it really easy to humbly accept her gift.

and so i did. 

and then she did more.

when i got home from my seven miler on saturday jake waited in the kitchen with a large box addressed to me. {he was in a great mood having just passed his second exam for his commercial journeyman's license (one more to go!) and i was thrilled to still be alive after having just ran the last 3.5 miles with a headwind that made me want to cry}.

in the box she'd neatly packed several pieces of high-quality gear.  an amazing collection of all the things i really need but cannot buy for myself. 

to say i am thrilled is an understatement. 

i'm now a passionate believer in the power of positive thinking and also of how amazing the effects of eating mindfully and moving your body can have on your emotional and mental health.  take care of yourself. 

although this way of thinking is still a work in progress, requiring a constant effort, i've successfully registered myself for the salt lake half marathon taking place on april 17th and the utah valley full marathon which will happen june 12th.  i'm terrified but in a twisted-excited kind of way.

hopefully i won't disappoint my sponsor and maybe some of you will cheer me on or join me!

last of all, i can't wait until i have an opportunity to "pay it forward."