moments

over the past several weeks there have been moments that i have had with my children.  moments that have always been there for me to have but i missed them.  i was too busy being neurotic or irritable and my kids learned to leave me alone.  sad.

i'm so grateful for these moments now even though a small part of me resents the fact that, in order to be present, i have to swallow a pill.   but then, there is the other small part that regrets having waited so long to be present.

the calmness, the happiness, it is authentic.  it's the good side of me that my children haven't been able to see much.  i tried really hard but now that i've had these moments, the ones that i missed before, i realize my hardest wasn't hard enough.

yesterday cayden let me cup his face in my hands so i could kiss his forehead.  he let me talk to him with his face in my hands.  he listened, looking me in the eyes.  this was a moment.  one i would have missed before because i was too busy moving on to the next thing.

so, although i feel like a walking pill, it's a whole hell of a lot better than feeling like an anxious mess.

that's all. good day.

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