imperfect worthiness

"perhaps it takes courage to raise children." 

~ john steinbeck, east of eden

recently i watched the TED talk on "the power of vulnerability" by brene' brown wherein she says,

"you are imperfect, you are wired for struggle, but you are worthy of love and belonging."  

this struck a cord in me and made me think about how imperative it is for us to love those in our lives who are hardest love.  specifically, the child in your home and in your heart who rocks your world over and over again until you feel too ill to stand on your own two feet (not that i've ever felt that way, but just in case anyone else has, that's what i'm referring to.  hardy har and a little wink).

so i'm listening to this talk and it's making me feel stuff. it's making me think about the struggle to work through the mess of mental illness and how to approach what is, undeniably, a situation that leaves me feeling incredibly vulnerable and afraid.  when it comes to mental health, there's this gray area that makes the black and white areas seem impossible to tackle.  which challenges/behaviors are by choice and which are a result of an instability in the mind?  which diagnosis is the one we focus on; the first, second, middle or last? does one cancel out the other?  how do you explain to a child that many of their challenges are not their fault but they are their problem and can't be ignored? is it explainable?  here i am, a grown woman and every time we leave the dr.'s office, i feel like an ignorant human being, how do i explain something that i don't even understand myself? these are adult issues.  issues that require maturity and patience.  issues that society, as a whole, makes out to be shameful and all-too-often turns their back on.

these thoughts are ones that i have been wanting to express for so long but i hesitate always because it feels like a betrayal in some way.  for whatever reason, if a kid has asthma or diabetes, we accept their limitations and encourage them to fight for their health and well being.  but those children with a disease that isn't so visible whether it be ADD, ADHD, ODD, autism, depression, anxiety, mood disorder, impulse disorder, bipolar disorder, conduct disorder, sensory disorder ... you name it ... we tie such a negative connotation to these labels that we set them up for failure from the get-go.  as if it's somehow their fault, that they're not whole or worthy of love and understanding.

mental illness is very real.  i don't doubt that there are a lot of people who use their mental illness as a crutch or even, fake mental illness but, i can attest to you that it is real and it is extremely challenging.  

imagine if your child had a handicapped that prevented them from climbing stairs, you would do everything in your power to help them, right?  but with a handicap such as that, there's a logical solution.  there's a visible challenge and we use the tools available to us to help remedy as best we can.  when your child's challenges are locked deep in their mind and when they don't have the vocabulary or even the emotional maturity to help you understand what they don't even understand themselves, the feeling of hopelessness is overwhelming.  

at a recent appointment, the dr. said, "it's easy to love and feel compassion for the bald kid with cancer and assure him of his worthiness." big. fat. sigh. 

raising a child who struggles with mental illness can be so defeating. every interaction is negative, "don't do this, why'd you do that? you can't have that, stop that, etc." you witness them really try to correct the behavior for a time but it's engrained in them in such a way that they usually cave to frustration and give up.  you have to stand by and watch the cycle; efforts made, followed by a bit of progress and then some version of defeat, no matter how small, which leads to the despair and then giving up (or in).  their frustration turns to anger and anger turns to more unwanted behavior.  they tell you they were "born wrong," that they "don't deserve _____ ."  

on your end, you finally find patience and peace in your heart and then in a split second, there's a behavior that effects another person unfairly or it is such an interruption to the household that the patience abruptly turns to frustration, which leads to anger, and so the cycle continues.  you are always on edge, always waiting for it ... whatever it is.  you forget to pay attention to any positive behaviors because you are so consumed with conquering the negative. every decision you make is laden with guilt and doubt.

as a parent, i don't expect special treatment for the child who challenges every person they come in contact with but a little bit of understanding and patience is so helpful.  knowing i am not alone, being encouraged to explore different treatments and therapies, being supported ... it all matters so much.

as for the child, i suspect my frustrations don't hold a candle to their sense of not-belonging and feeling misunderstood.  believing you are inadequate, broken or unwanted would break even the strongest spirit. they are suspicious of everyone and every attempt to "help" them is viewed as an attack of their person.  i can't imagine what that feels like.

today i wrote about this because i do not think it is helpful for anyone to sweep this reality under the rug.  some say, "it's no one's business" and that's an understandable reaction but if i am to hope that my child will stand up to their challenges with dignity and with courage, i expect it will fare them well to see me do the same.  i believe that people should be reminded of how important it is to be patient with one another, especially when it's the last reaction in the bag.  we have no idea what the next person is battling.  i also believe that by calling it what it is and facing it head on teaches our children to not be ashamed.  it makes it easier for me to ask for help from those who love my child too.  for them to recognize the moments when they could step back and take in the world from the child's perspective.  to help coach, guide and lead the kid toward a successful life.

ultimately, hiding behind a pretense of how life is supposed to be doesn't help anyone.  i know that i am not alone.  i have had conversations with and received advice from amazing people in my life as i've shared what we're faced with and for that, i'm forever grateful.

onward. 

xoxo

p.s. i highly recommend following the TED talk link and taking listen