seven years old

yesterday was cayden's seventh birthday. now whenever he's asked his age, he can honestly say "i'm almost eight." you know he will.

cayden, cayden, cayden (big sigh out). what an amazing being you are.

recently i was writing in my journal and thought back on the past decade. this happened with twenty ten being a new decade and all. i thought about how it's not shocking to me that i have a seven year old. i mean, it feels like he's been with me forever. i realize that it's slightly cheesy but i'm serious. i cannot remember not knowing cayden.

linda gave me a book for christmas that i've wanted for some time. it's called the mother in me, a series of short stories written by lds women (mothers) about their different experiences with motherhood. it's neat. it's made me laugh and cry. sometimes simultaneously.

anyway, there was this one story about this woman who was expecting her third child and she wrote that she was just as scared to have him as she was with her first child but then she says " ..until i began to feel his presence on the edges of my spirit."

i totally get that. i feel it now. i tell jake often that i don't feel like our family is finished. there is another. luckily, i have a keen ability to rationalize my irrational thoughts and feelings and this often leads me to wonder if this "feeling" will always be with me regardless of the number of children we have. not knowing whether or not this might be makes it a little easier to ignore the itch but no matter how much i try to talk myself in or out (or in or out) of feeling this way, the feeling is always there.

what i'm trying to say is that because of this feeling i have now, i don't doubt that cayden has always been with me in some small way. he was meant for me and i do believe that i was meant for him. it's not a balanced relationship, this is for sure, we make each other crazy and are both very good at bringing out the worst in each other but i know he loves me and i love him.

it seems his birthday was a success. he was happy all day and this alone is a huge accomplishment as cayden tends to hover in and out of a melancholy type of state. we're never totally sure if he's having a good time or not. he'll act bored out of his mind and then later exclaim "that was so much fun!"

i made the mistake of buying m&m cookies for his classmates. they were half the price of donuts and i thought they looked good so i thought he would think they looked good. i was wrong. apparently, all the moms bring donuts and no one would eat m&m cookies. no one likes them. so i showed up to his classroom at 11:15 with two boxes of donuts, twelve dollars poorer (if that is even possible) and he was all smiles. spoiled.

his family was with him on his birthday. they partook in hot dog boats and broccoli. they gave him great gifts and a lot of love.

we decided last year the kids would get a "friend" party every other year and this is an on year. he's excited for all of his friends to come over tomorrow for a couple of hours. my enthusiasm is slightly lower but a mom's gotta do what a mom's gotta do.

happy birthday buddy!