piles

(cayden ~ 5th grade :: brooklyn ~ 3rd grade :: gavin ~ kindergarten)

yesterday as i was cutting the kid's most recent school pictures for grandma-sharing, it hit me unexpectedly that i have two less piles to mail off this year.  those moments are weird, the ones when i've forgotten for a time and pushed the missing aside for long enough to move through daily tasks without such a heavy heart and then there it is again, suddenly, "she is gone." 

my sadness isn't so much of a direct result of missing my grandma but rather, i think, trying to empathize with my mom and knowing i cannot even begin to touch on the grief that she is experiencing.  knowing that the small and sudden reminders that i have barely scratch the surface of what she faces day to day.  i want to carry the load for her or at the very least, share in it as much as i'm able.   i find myself brainstorming ways that i might lighten mom's sorrow but i know that grandma's shoes could never be filled, her love could never be emulated.  there are things that only grandma could say and gifts that only grandma would give.  there are observations that only she would point out and jokes that only she could make.  at least i can appreciate knowing, even if only slightly, what my mom misses so intensely.  

she is all around us in small ways.   i am wearing her earrings and have displayed trinkets that she made or left for me.  my mom asked my uncle if she could have the picture of the troll family that grandma had hanging over her couch in her tv room my entire childhood.  it is a print he brought back from norway where he served on his mission.  he probably doesn't know that mom asked for it so i could have it but i don't think he'd mind.  we took it down to have it re-framed this week.  mom says that out of the three frames we were considering, i chose the one grandma would have chosen.  childishly, this made me happy. 

honestly, i was nervous after jake hung it on our bedroom wall that i might only feel sadness when i looked at it but, so far, after a few days i've only felt a choke or two.  i love it.  my kids love it.  

the angle isn't the best but head on, the glare from our bedroom windows is bad no matter the time of day.  i think she would be happy to see "that silly old picture" so proudly displayed.  i miss her so much.

xoxo