keep calm and carry on

{image}

it's an interesting thing to feel calmness when your normal state of being is uptight and anxious.

this has been my experience the past week.

i know some people think there are some things you should just keep to yourself but, i'm not one who cares too much about keeping secrets.  especially if the secret could help someone else.

last week i went to the doctor for my annual check up.

apparently, i have "extreme anxiety."  not that i didn't already know this.

much of my drive for a healthy lifestyle is as much for my mental health as it is for my physical health.  i know my mood swings are not normal.  i know my anxiousness is not normal.  my heart beats too fast too often and a lot of the time, i hold my breath for too long before i have to remind myself to breath.  i worry obsessively about things beyond my control.  i rarely sleep more than an hour or two before waking up.  ocd. perfectionism. anal. efficient.

crazy?

sometimes i wonder.

i exercise, eat right, practice yoga, take loads of vitamins and minerals.  still .... i'm anxious.

people take medication for this sort of thing.  it helps them function better.  i've never really considered it because i have always felt like when it comes to functioning, i'm at the top of my game.  but, when the doctor said to me "the negative impact your anxiety will have on your physiological health is severe, not to mention the negative impact it will have on your children," i started to think about it a lot differently.

what kind of example am i to my children?

if it's not on my mental "to-do" list, i don't have time for it.  even if "it" is something simple like a hug or a question.  don't hug me now, don't ask me now, i'll add you to my list.

i hate this about myself.  the doctor said "it's not you, it's your anxiety." yeah?  well, okay whatever ... but still.

she was able to convince me that it wouldn't be a bad thing to try something and see how i feel.

just typing that sentence gives me anxiety.  can you understand?

i'm writing now to explain the quietness i feel.

it has been only a week.  the calmness is so foreign, it really freaked me out at first.

i have not yelled at my kids one time since last week.

for a day or two i worried that i might not be able to function without anxiety.  anxiety is my motivator. it's what {i thought} makes me tick. it has always been this way for me but i'm starting to see that it doesn't have to be this way.  i wish i could explain it better.  maybe you understand already.

obviously, i do not want to rely on a pill to ease my nerves.  it is my hope that this experience will allow me to realize i really don't have to feel the way i've always felt.  i know now what real calmness feels like and this is just the beginning.  my goal is to continue to work on my nutrition, try different food pairings and natural supplements that will hopefully help me reach the same level of calmness naturally.

until then, i will keep calm and carry on.